Graveyard Workers Appreciation Day

At public schools nationwide, teachers ensure to educate their students on the importance of careers that benefit our communities and our nation. The students learn to foster feelings of respect and appreciation towards war veterans, firefighters, and police force members. But there is another field of valiant workers whose crucial role in the security of our citizens' lives is often down played. 

This issue was brought to my attention when I was working at the pool the other day and one of my fellow life guards there was very tired. She explained that she has another job where she works graveyard hours.

So, I guess they need to hire people to watch the graveyards at night because they're vulnerable targets for vandalizing.

Or even more likely, they're there fighting zombies to ensure the postponement of the advent of the apocalypse.  

Thank a graveyard worker today. 

Heralding back to my roots

Our traditional form of internment, at least when done legally in designated areas, can be rather costly. The price of the approved burial site, coffin, and labor adds up. Seeing as it's years down the road and I've got an entire world to  dominate before I kick the bucket, most people tell me that I needn't concern myself about financially covering my funeral now, but I am a fastidiously prepared individual.

So the question is, how can I have a dignified manner of disposing of my remains whilst still using economically friendly methods without prodigiously high costs?

Viking burial!

It'd be cheap because my successors would build the boat themselves, then take it down to our local river, which is conveniently located close to my residence, thus cutting travel costs, then set it off, shortly after adroitly shooting an aflame arrow into it and voila! Epicness. I know how to go out in style.

Some naysayers would protest saying that it wouldn't work with all the permits and such that would be required for such a procession.

But Vikings don't need permits.

And if the police did come, they could just do a lovely little thing called ninja vanish.

The logic is infallible!

The blissful life of an artist

At an early and tender age, I discovered the secret to greatness.


But let us not dwell upon the obvious, shall we? Or rather, shan't we?


(First clue to greatness: Having speech that is devoid of all modern slang and contractions and using British and snobby sounding words such as "rather" and "shall.")


Even as a child, I was exposed to great works of art and literature. The first thing that I learned was that artists aren't allowed to be alive at the height of their works success. Just take a look at Van Gogh! (But not for too long; he's a little creepy.) Sold one painting in his lifetime, was mocked and ridiculed, and as soon as he kicked the bucket, all of the sudden he's a world renown genius!


Talent besides, to be a great artist, you need to do something drastic that will cause people generations to come to drive themselves mad wondering, "why did he do that?!!!" Start typing "Van Gogh" in the Google search bar. You'll notice that a the first suggested search isn't "Van Gogh Starry Night" or "Van Gogh Sunflowers," but "Van Gogh ear."

This last year, my younger brother, Peter James, started his first year at a public school. To my parent's dismay, he was assigned to read The Lord of the Flies. Their foreboding sentiments towards him reading it were not due to it's actual content but more of the influence it had on me when I was a child.

When I was in sixth grade, I attended a public middle school. In my advanced literature class, I was compelled to read a particularly peculiar book called Lord of the Flies. 

Shortly after, I was assigned to write a short story. Standing on the soldiers of giants, I integrated several elements from renowned works of literature, including Golding's masterpiece, LOTF.

My teacher was, um, I mean "er" because "er" sounds more sophisticated and Britishy than "um," er, appalled by my story. I have no clue why she made such a big deal about it; literature is supposed to be appalling! I was inspired by such works as The Lottery, Catcher in the Rye, the Tell-Tale Heart....etc. etc. etc.

After that, the teacher sent me to the school counselor and no this little happening has nothing to do with why I am now homeschooled.

My parents were also displeased that much of Peter James's assignments revolving around the novel didn't really have to do with analyzing it and applying critical thinking to uncover it's themes and parallels to modern times, but rather involved coloring book cover designs for it and writing shallow, facile plot summaries.

Despite my parent's consternations, I was delighted that my younger brother was studying one of my fondest books and happily volunteered to help him on his assignments. I'll concede with my parents that the assignments lack depth and deep thinking from the students, but it was fun to illustrate scenes from the novel for his summaries. I fancy myself to be quite good at drawing boar heads impaled on sticks. Mine was even better than my brother's. It was a little sad when I learned that he didn't know that the boar head was actually supposed to SYMBOLIZE anything in the story, but at least we got a chance to hone our drawing skills on unusual subject matter.

Problem Faced by Attractive Individuals #49:

People steal your school ID card so they have something with your picture on it.

Facebook Messaging! Yay!

 Edna: hi rosetta. heard u got new job
Rosetta: Yeah, I'm a lifeguard at Green Lake Pool now.
Edna: sweet. You'd guard lives the best. I knows it.
Rosetta: Aw, thank you, my adoring little sycophant. :-) Now why don't you tell me something I don't know? 
Edna:...
Um...the weathers great here in Honolulu...
Rosetta: Oh, and speaking of guarding lives, there's something I need to tell you. You know how you hired me to water your petunias and feed your tadpoles while you're gone on vacation?
Edna: yes
Rosetta: Well, how many tadpoles do you have?
Edna: 20
Rosetta: Well, 2 now. 
Edna: What?
Rosetta: I forgot to feed them. lol
Edna: You didn't. 
Rosetta: Your petunias are fine, though. :-)
Edna: !
Rosetta: There I was, feeling so grown up and responsible (which I am, of course), taking care of the petunias, and after a couple days I realized with sudden horror that I was forgetting a VERY crucial detail...THE TADPOLES!
They need food, it turns out...
Edna: Are you joshing me, Ro? 
Rosetta: They're all floating right now. I assumed that means they're dead. I mean, when I life guard at the pool, when people just start floating I just assume they're already dead. Saves me the trouble of, you know, hopping in and rescuing them and getting my hair wet and all that. 
Edna: Those were my kids tadpoles!
Rosetta: Yeah, I wish the whole thing wouldn't have happened. But, hey, you've still got 2.  Survival of the fittest, right?

If you can't beat 'em, clobber 'em!

Well, that's the saying that I usually go by. That and "If you can't beat 'em, mock 'em maliciously because you're still right!" But in this case, I've made an exception and am going by "If you can't beat 'em, join 'em."

I got a Facebook account!

Prior to now, I had objections against Facebook, but seeing as it is a useful tool to aid my quest in DOMINATING THE WORLD, I have put aside such objections and have created a account.

Oh, sweet ambition!

The first time that I was legitimately depressed was when I was 7. I had always wanted to be a mermaid, but it just wasn't happening. So I one day, I was just depressed. All day long.

Now, I have moved on beyond my mermaid dream. I've decided to pick goals that are more obtainable.

Like becoming the world's dictator!

And seriously, once that happens, I'm making Ariel my royal adviser.