Of course, this never happened to me...

"I call dibs on that one!"

"Oh, no, you don't! You can't have any of them because I licked every single one of them!"

The person who said that last phrase (let's keep this anonymous, ok?) wasn't paying attention to the conversation up to the point where the other people started to call dibs on some unidentified pronoun. So this person (someone you don't know. At least, not on a personal basis) decided to crack a joke and quite cutely said, as you read,  "Oh, no, you don't! You can't have any of them because I licked every single one of them!"

Well, what pronoun were the other people calling dibs on? The other teenage girls were concocting to each ask one of the guys in the nearby group to dance the next slow song with them. That's right, this incident happened at a youth dance!

I don't know why that person who blundered and made the comment of licking "every single one of them" just automatically assumed they were all talking about food. On second thought, I do know. Food's a topic of much greater importance than teenage boys!

I feel so much better about this, having cleared my name! I mean, cleared this other person's name...

Maybe I should have figured they were talking about boys when her exact wording was "I call dibs on the one in the green shirt"....

Insert the sound of a teenage girl's scream in desperate realization here

I was formula fed as an infant.

Kindly read the last phrase in my previous post.

Ouch.

My world is now a popcorn kernel under extreme heat and pressure, ready to explode in a fiery inferno.

Why didn't my mom tell me this a long time ago?!!!

No wonder I've only dominated one measly country!

Good bye everyone.

I am leaving to attend my scheduled session of mourning.

Live long and prosper.

And eat cream puffs.

Steps to Forgiving Others

Forgiving others of their trespasses is hard, but it's important.

I have been a victim of wrongdoing numerous times, but I've found it in my benevolent heart that I can forgive. And I do, because I'm so good that way. 

Here are the steps to truly forgive someone:

1. Pretend that they are sorry for it. Like, deeply sorry for it. (Another) Like, they are doubling over in overpowering pain and soul-crushing guilt and are in constant horror that they dared offend you. Frankly, you don't need to pretend, because of course they are! If you're as perfect as me, of course their guilt will be maliciously acute! I mean, hurting someone like me would be like hurting a fluffy bunny rabbit with giant, angelic, ridiculously huge eyes. 

Ohh, it's looking right at you! It looooves you! Ok, back to point.

2.  There are some serious motivations to forgive others! One is that once you forgive another person, you're aloud to say whatever you want to about them behind their back. All you have to do is say "bless  his/her heart" afterwards!

Example: "Maddie has a heart of coal, heating and seething and ready to strike at even a helpless, fluffy bunny or any other victim that she deems weak. Indeed, her malicious disposition allows her to find pleasure at the expense of others! And she has a bad taste in music. 

Bless her heart!"

3. It's easy to forgive when you're so obviously superior to the offender. Just keep that in mind. It is you're duty as the greater being to forgive. Other wise, most of the population would be gone if the superiors just wiped out the inferiors when they insulted them. 

If you're peer insults you though...ouch.

In that case, give them the benefit of the doubt. Assume that they were formula fed as an infant or something. 

I'm a complicated woman with simple wants.

Simple as in all I need to be happy is to dominate the world.

Or really?

In the great musical Wicked, the witch Glenda asks the question, "Is happy what happens when all your dreams come true?"

Well, yeah, if your dreams are specific enough. If you leave anything out, then when they come true you'll still be missing something. The universe has an inconvenient habit of twisting our words so that we're hopelessly unhappy.

Example; if I were to say that I want ice cream, then the oh-so-tricky universe will make it so that I get ice cream, but will it be the high quality treat that I so crave? No, it will be a cheap, mediocre excuse that barely meets the qualifications necessary to be classified as ice cream! By definition it would be ice cream, (flavored frozen milk fat), but it wouldn't be ice cream. So instead of saying "I want ice cream," I say, "I want Tillomook brand chocolate peanut butter ice cream with hot fudge and caramel. And when I say hot fudge and caramel, I mean that there should be a ratio of 3 spoonfuls of each for every bite of ice cream."

People often think that my mission statement is simply to dominate the world. But it's actually far more specific, so that the universe can't taunt me by having me dominate the world but die an agonizing death two days afterwards.