Cute Chocolate Sayings

Here are some chocolate sayings that I've seen around:

"If God wanted us to be skinny, he wouldn't have made chocolate."

"On the eighth day God created chocolate. And it was good."

"Behind every successful woman is a substantial amount of chocolate."

"I eat chocolate for you so that there's more of me to love."

Here's my version of that last one:

"I eat chocolate for myself because I take enjoyment in inflicting pain and resentfulness in others as they drive themselves to near insanity as they wonder how I'm so unbelievably thin."

The only problem with it is that it won't fit very nicely on a plaque.

Little Rosie's growing up!

I had the pleasure of seeing an old acquaintance the other day. Or rather, she had the pleasure of seeing me.

Allow me to recount the encounter in detail:

"Rosetta! Is that you? You're so big!"

"No I'm not. I wear a size 2!"

"Of course, dear. It's just that last time I saw you, you were much shorter! So, tell me what you've been up to lately, now that you're such a big, I mean, older girl."

"Well. as a matter of fact, I've just dominated a small, indigent, nation by the name of Eritrea. As an American citizen, it is likely that you've never heard of it, being an insignificant nation and seemingly unworthy of any interest. But hast it ever occurred to the American public as an excellent location where my dominion can spawn? Behold! Eritrea! And behold! Its dictator! We are Rosetta Ever Johnson, and under our rule, Eritrea prospers!" 

Seriously, guys, check out this article about it. It's published by a recognized an esteemed news cooperation:

Tuesday, March 26, 2013

Eritrea, a small dictatorship located in the Horn of Africa, has recently gained worldwide attention for its unexpected spurt of economic growth. 

Reports indicate that this began shortly following the death of prior president, Isaias Afewerki. Afewerki had been in office since 1993, being that the country had no national elections since it declared independence that year. 

"The whole situation is puzzling," reports Sir Ronald Granger, world renowned economist and anthropologist, "Indeed there are no records that give reports of any currant leader of Eritrea. As far as we know, it is run by no one. And the fact that Eritrea's ample political, economic, and human right issues are diminishing rapidly is beyond any rational explanation. Honestly, the whole thing is a mystery."

Awkward....

"When I grow up, Grandpa, I'm going to name my firstborn son Michael."
"You mean after me? I'm touched, sweetheart."
"No, not after you! After Michael Crawford!"

This is an example of an awkward situation that I've recently encountered. And none of it is my dang fault! We've been over this, nothing is ever your future dictator's dang fault.

I'm sharing this to teach a valuable lesson. People tend to assume things after receiving an inadequate amount of information. I mean, just because your name's Michael doesn't mean you're who your great-grandson's name is after! This is applicable to many similar situations, so please avoid being culpable of creating awkwardness and don't flatter yourself thinking that a complement was directed towards you.

I do feel a bit bad about planning on my son's middle name being after my other grandfather's, though.

Dealing With Competition

Or, wannabe competition.

Meet the guy who thinks he can take it all. The one who's been conspiring to DOMINATE THE WORLD!!

My own brother.

This is Jean Val Johnson's face as he tells me all about his fondest dreams of world domination.

This is his face after I tell him that he can't DOMINATE THE WORLD, 'cause I'm gonna do it. 

"Hey, I'm gonna take over the world, too!" No, Jeanie, I'm actually gonna do it. I actually have a blog about it. 

He says, "Oh yeah, well let's see who can get to it first."