If you can't beat 'em, clobber 'em!

Well, that's the saying that I usually go by. That and "If you can't beat 'em, mock 'em maliciously because you're still right!" But in this case, I've made an exception and am going by "If you can't beat 'em, join 'em."

I got a Facebook account!

Prior to now, I had objections against Facebook, but seeing as it is a useful tool to aid my quest in DOMINATING THE WORLD, I have put aside such objections and have created a account.

Oh, sweet ambition!

The first time that I was legitimately depressed was when I was 7. I had always wanted to be a mermaid, but it just wasn't happening. So I one day, I was just depressed. All day long.

Now, I have moved on beyond my mermaid dream. I've decided to pick goals that are more obtainable.

Like becoming the world's dictator!

And seriously, once that happens, I'm making Ariel my royal adviser.

Why I am who I am

People often wonder how someone so sweet, innocent, humble and just plain nice like myself can be bent on world domination.

I credit part of it to my parents.

Meet my parents. Both spent their youth as nerds. They experienced complete social outcastness at many points in their child hood and adolescence.

In other words, they were the type that didn't play sports in High School. 'Nuff said. Complete nerds.

Unless you count marching band as a sport. Or cheer-leading. But not mom on the last one. That was my dad.

But the key thing is, there are different kinds of nerds! My dear mother was the type that was a Honors student, marching band drum major, and making plans to attend a prestigious university and use her degree to better the world through science, education, or something of the like.

My dad was a Trekkie who spent his High School days playing Dungeons and Dragons and reading Sci-Fi and fantasy. Also, he had a quirky knack for playing the board game Risk. Intelligent like my mother, but just so happened to be bent on world domination.

And then they got married and had me and my seven siblings. But most importantly, me.

And with my mom's good looks, brains, and gentle heart, and my dad's imagination, determination, a hatred for puppies and ultimately a will to rule, I am the born ruler that this world needs.

Afterthought:

I also blame part of who I am on being homeschooled.

Of course, this never happened to me...

"I call dibs on that one!"

"Oh, no, you don't! You can't have any of them because I licked every single one of them!"

The person who said that last phrase (let's keep this anonymous, ok?) wasn't paying attention to the conversation up to the point where the other people started to call dibs on some unidentified pronoun. So this person (someone you don't know. At least, not on a personal basis) decided to crack a joke and quite cutely said, as you read,  "Oh, no, you don't! You can't have any of them because I licked every single one of them!"

Well, what pronoun were the other people calling dibs on? The other teenage girls were concocting to each ask one of the guys in the nearby group to dance the next slow song with them. That's right, this incident happened at a youth dance!

I don't know why that person who blundered and made the comment of licking "every single one of them" just automatically assumed they were all talking about food. On second thought, I do know. Food's a topic of much greater importance than teenage boys!

I feel so much better about this, having cleared my name! I mean, cleared this other person's name...

Maybe I should have figured they were talking about boys when her exact wording was "I call dibs on the one in the green shirt"....

Insert the sound of a teenage girl's scream in desperate realization here

I was formula fed as an infant.

Kindly read the last phrase in my previous post.

Ouch.

My world is now a popcorn kernel under extreme heat and pressure, ready to explode in a fiery inferno.

Why didn't my mom tell me this a long time ago?!!!

No wonder I've only dominated one measly country!

Good bye everyone.

I am leaving to attend my scheduled session of mourning.

Live long and prosper.

And eat cream puffs.

Steps to Forgiving Others

Forgiving others of their trespasses is hard, but it's important.

I have been a victim of wrongdoing numerous times, but I've found it in my benevolent heart that I can forgive. And I do, because I'm so good that way. 

Here are the steps to truly forgive someone:

1. Pretend that they are sorry for it. Like, deeply sorry for it. (Another) Like, they are doubling over in overpowering pain and soul-crushing guilt and are in constant horror that they dared offend you. Frankly, you don't need to pretend, because of course they are! If you're as perfect as me, of course their guilt will be maliciously acute! I mean, hurting someone like me would be like hurting a fluffy bunny rabbit with giant, angelic, ridiculously huge eyes. 

Ohh, it's looking right at you! It looooves you! Ok, back to point.

2.  There are some serious motivations to forgive others! One is that once you forgive another person, you're aloud to say whatever you want to about them behind their back. All you have to do is say "bless  his/her heart" afterwards!

Example: "Maddie has a heart of coal, heating and seething and ready to strike at even a helpless, fluffy bunny or any other victim that she deems weak. Indeed, her malicious disposition allows her to find pleasure at the expense of others! And she has a bad taste in music. 

Bless her heart!"

3. It's easy to forgive when you're so obviously superior to the offender. Just keep that in mind. It is you're duty as the greater being to forgive. Other wise, most of the population would be gone if the superiors just wiped out the inferiors when they insulted them. 

If you're peer insults you though...ouch.

In that case, give them the benefit of the doubt. Assume that they were formula fed as an infant or something. 

I'm a complicated woman with simple wants.

Simple as in all I need to be happy is to dominate the world.

Or really?

In the great musical Wicked, the witch Glenda asks the question, "Is happy what happens when all your dreams come true?"

Well, yeah, if your dreams are specific enough. If you leave anything out, then when they come true you'll still be missing something. The universe has an inconvenient habit of twisting our words so that we're hopelessly unhappy.

Example; if I were to say that I want ice cream, then the oh-so-tricky universe will make it so that I get ice cream, but will it be the high quality treat that I so crave? No, it will be a cheap, mediocre excuse that barely meets the qualifications necessary to be classified as ice cream! By definition it would be ice cream, (flavored frozen milk fat), but it wouldn't be ice cream. So instead of saying "I want ice cream," I say, "I want Tillomook brand chocolate peanut butter ice cream with hot fudge and caramel. And when I say hot fudge and caramel, I mean that there should be a ratio of 3 spoonfuls of each for every bite of ice cream."

People often think that my mission statement is simply to dominate the world. But it's actually far more specific, so that the universe can't taunt me by having me dominate the world but die an agonizing death two days afterwards.

Do you hear the people scream?

As a musical enthusiastic (my family uses the term "fanatic," and I've told them not to, saying "I'm not obsessed with musicals...I'm just enthusiastic about them." Whenever I say that, they laugh. They all have sick senses of humor,) I have a great interest (NOT OBSESSION) with Les Miserables. 

I just watched the movie with a few friends. Before, I'd never actually seen it, the movie or on stage, but I knew every song down to the last beat and knew the story line. Well, thought that I knew the story line. My dear father told it to me long ago, but when I saw the movie, I was in for a real surprise. Dad must have seen a Muppets version of it or something, because the way he told it, one would have thought, as I did, that the story of Les Miserables was an innocent, wholesome one.

For the first half of the movie, I kept waiting for Cozette and Jean Valjean and their puppy dog Marius to teach Javert the true meaning of Christmas!

Despite being ill prepared for this Goliath of a musical, I fully enjoyed it. I loved the deep characterizations, how the characters dealt with inner conflicts, and the ongoing theme of redemption.

But all that my friends watching it with me got out of it was how cute the French revolutionists were. Observe this conversation that I had with Della:

"My favorite character is Marius!"

"Is this because you admire his strength and willingness to sacrifice a peaceful life of ease with his true love for fighting for the liberty of his country, and because he demonstrated compassion and love to the lesser peoples of France?"

"No, I like him because he's hot!"

Here my friend Roseanne joined our conversation: "I know! I wish that I lived during the French Revolution so that I could hang out with all of those cute guys!"

I couldn't take it after that. "You guys," (yes, I call a group consisting of females "guys,"), "don't you know that Les Miserables doesn't take place during the French Revolution? No, it follows the events culminating up to and throughout the duration of the 1832 June Rebellion."

But of course, nobody fully appreciates a useful and completely applicable history lesson.

Here's an excerpt from my diary that I wrote before seeing the movie:

The Les Mis album that I have (original London cast, of course) is however, edited, because according to my dear father, there are some "inappropriate" songs in it. Apparently, one of them is sung by a couple of innkeepers in a tavern. I don't comprehend what could be the matter with this, because in all the musicals I've seen, (Oliver, Fiddler on the Roof, and various Disney films) the tavern scene is the best part! I don't quite understand how people dance and sing so adroitly when they're drunk, but somehow it works.

Having now seen it, I think that I follow my dad's thinking about this subject.

Dictator of Eritrea's Identity Revealed

Well, it's me! Duh!

But apparently, the public has been a bit...slow about uncovering the truth. Check out this recent article from the selfsame world renowned public newscast:

March 31, 2013

The secrets behind the happenings of late regarding Eritrea are beginning to be revealed. The most recent reports confirm Rosetta Ever Johnson, a U.S. citizen, as being the nation's currant dictator.

"Well, I've always wanted to DOMINATE THE WORLD, and so I've been diligently keeping a look out for opportunities to begin my reign. It soon came to my attention that-HEY, you're supposed to write  'DOMINATE THE WORLD' in all capital letters! You know, like how I always do it on my blog! Oh yes, that's more like it. Any way, it soon came to my attention that Eritrea's 'president' (cough, dictator, cough) hit the pasture recently. So I suggested to his minions or whatever they call themselves to make me their dictator! It'd save them all the trouble of electing a new 'president'  or killing each other all over deciding who was to rule next," Johnson reports,"So yeah, I've basically been dictating it from here. All I have to do is tell 'em what to do through E-mail and Facebook!"

The causes of Eritrea's unexpected and sudden economic spurt are yet to be explained, though according to Johnson, "Well, obviously the country's skyrocketing because I'm in charge of it! Get with the program here!" 

Cute Chocolate Sayings

Here are some chocolate sayings that I've seen around:

"If God wanted us to be skinny, he wouldn't have made chocolate."

"On the eighth day God created chocolate. And it was good."

"Behind every successful woman is a substantial amount of chocolate."

"I eat chocolate for you so that there's more of me to love."

Here's my version of that last one:

"I eat chocolate for myself because I take enjoyment in inflicting pain and resentfulness in others as they drive themselves to near insanity as they wonder how I'm so unbelievably thin."

The only problem with it is that it won't fit very nicely on a plaque.

Little Rosie's growing up!

I had the pleasure of seeing an old acquaintance the other day. Or rather, she had the pleasure of seeing me.

Allow me to recount the encounter in detail:

"Rosetta! Is that you? You're so big!"

"No I'm not. I wear a size 2!"

"Of course, dear. It's just that last time I saw you, you were much shorter! So, tell me what you've been up to lately, now that you're such a big, I mean, older girl."

"Well. as a matter of fact, I've just dominated a small, indigent, nation by the name of Eritrea. As an American citizen, it is likely that you've never heard of it, being an insignificant nation and seemingly unworthy of any interest. But hast it ever occurred to the American public as an excellent location where my dominion can spawn? Behold! Eritrea! And behold! Its dictator! We are Rosetta Ever Johnson, and under our rule, Eritrea prospers!" 

Seriously, guys, check out this article about it. It's published by a recognized an esteemed news cooperation:

Tuesday, March 26, 2013

Eritrea, a small dictatorship located in the Horn of Africa, has recently gained worldwide attention for its unexpected spurt of economic growth. 

Reports indicate that this began shortly following the death of prior president, Isaias Afewerki. Afewerki had been in office since 1993, being that the country had no national elections since it declared independence that year. 

"The whole situation is puzzling," reports Sir Ronald Granger, world renowned economist and anthropologist, "Indeed there are no records that give reports of any currant leader of Eritrea. As far as we know, it is run by no one. And the fact that Eritrea's ample political, economic, and human right issues are diminishing rapidly is beyond any rational explanation. Honestly, the whole thing is a mystery."

Awkward....

"When I grow up, Grandpa, I'm going to name my firstborn son Michael."
"You mean after me? I'm touched, sweetheart."
"No, not after you! After Michael Crawford!"

This is an example of an awkward situation that I've recently encountered. And none of it is my dang fault! We've been over this, nothing is ever your future dictator's dang fault.

I'm sharing this to teach a valuable lesson. People tend to assume things after receiving an inadequate amount of information. I mean, just because your name's Michael doesn't mean you're who your great-grandson's name is after! This is applicable to many similar situations, so please avoid being culpable of creating awkwardness and don't flatter yourself thinking that a complement was directed towards you.

I do feel a bit bad about planning on my son's middle name being after my other grandfather's, though.

Dealing With Competition

Or, wannabe competition.

Meet the guy who thinks he can take it all. The one who's been conspiring to DOMINATE THE WORLD!!

My own brother.

This is Jean Val Johnson's face as he tells me all about his fondest dreams of world domination.

This is his face after I tell him that he can't DOMINATE THE WORLD, 'cause I'm gonna do it. 

"Hey, I'm gonna take over the world, too!" No, Jeanie, I'm actually gonna do it. I actually have a blog about it. 

He says, "Oh yeah, well let's see who can get to it first." 

Why? Why? Why?!!!!

Such a question is asked in many a circumstance in life. And I am asking it now.

My one of my little sisters just got an infection on her face. It will probably leave a scar.

Why does this have to happen to such a beautiful girl? Why?! It should have happened to someone who was already ugly. If they were ugly anyway, a bit of defacement wouldn't matter so much. Then there wouldn't be any poetic loss.

I have the most luscious hair. It shines, it flows, it sparkles.

Some people have told me that I should cut and donate it. Isn't it so nice of them to think of giving away my hair for me? That previous sentence, of course, was about as drenched in sarcasm as my two year old sister's pancake was in syrup when she poured it on herself this morning.

Ridding the world of the alluring image of my glowing face bordered by my equally astonishing hair? Is that doing anyone a favor?

New Approuch

I have told you previously that I have made it my duty to break apart couples that are dancing inappropriately close to each other at the youth dances. I have changed my approach. I no longer do this myself.

Now, I crowd around them and start chanting "KISS! KISS! KISS! KISS!" And if they do, I shout "WHOOOO! OH YEAH!"

This way, the chaperons at the dances know that they need to start doing their job better.