Shall we dance?

My church often holds dances for the teenagers. I have recently graced such an event with my presence. 

The dances have a rule that dancing couples should not dance too close to each other. Whenever I saw a boy and girl get a bit too comfortable, I made it my duty to thoroughly chew them out. I'm so good that way! 

I found it quite appalling that the music selection subsisted entirely of pop songs. If I were the DJ, the dances would be Michael Crawford/old musicals/new musicals/the Beatles/classical music MARATHONS! WHOOH!! What's the deal with pop music? What's that one song that goes "Hey! I just met you! And this is crazy! Here's my number!" ????? Why does the girl singing it want some random guy to call her "Maybe?" Is that her name?

It's so inconsiderate to play such music. Don't they know that there are homeschoolers in the midst who have never heard any of the popular songs? Sure, it's great for those people who have them all memorized, but what about me?! Why didn't the people running the dance ask for my music advice?

Overcoming severe setbacks

Everyone admires someone who had to struggle to succeed. No one is impressed by people who achieve their goals with ease. The world is full of inspiring tales of those who fought for what they wanted despite their disabilities, background, poor fashion sense, and other obstacles out of their control. 

I was thinking about it the other day and realized that in order for me to admirably DOMINATE THE WORLD, I'd have to over come extremely difficult circumstances. I thought, what things have I had to overcome?! I mean, I have it all! I'm smart, beautiful, awesome, and I've got ninja skills! I'm always right, and I've got a great family. 

Why did I have to be so darn blessed, I wondered. No wonder I haven't conquered a single, measly country yet! It would contradict the laws of the universe! Nothing's easy, people who are perfect can't just waltz in and claim the world, even if it's their divine right.

Wait a second...

It's all coming back to me.

When I was just a child, our family went to Subway. We ate our food and then I looked at our receipt and lo and behold! It said that if one went on the Subway website, filled out a survey, and entered in a code on the receipt, they could get a free cookie! I had never experienced the wonder of a Subway cookie and thus desired one. So I went online and took my time to fill out their survey (which was a act of pure charity. Everyone loves my advice! Whenever I babysit, I'm kind enough as to take the time to give the parents advice as to how to raise their children, decorate their homes, and what kind of food to buy. I'm so thoughtful that way!) and they e-mailed me a code in which I could use to redeem a cookie.

But there was a catch.

I had to purchase something from Subway to get the cookie.

And the code had an expiration date.

To this day I have not had a Subway cookie.

How dare they not mention the expiration date in the receipt?! And the cookie wasn't free if I had to purchase something to get it! They took advantage of my pure and good heart and made me take that survey for nothing.

Obviously, this ripoff has left me physiologically damaged. There, doesn't that make you feel better? Your future dictator is physiologically damaged! That's what I have to overcome as I DOMINATE THE WORLD!!! 

Sweet vengeance!

One of my many deep, unfathomable, utter, intense loathings is when people have conversations about topics that I'm not interested in. Indeed it's appalling how often I've had to put up with people talking of worthless subjects such as dogs, football, and reality television shows. To discourse about such in front of me is an insult to my intelligence!

Even worse are jokes in which to be able to find amusing one must know of various celebrities, movies, youtube videos, songs and other popular culture subjects. Who is this Justin Bieber guy, and why is everyone making jokes about him? Don't they know that if the future world dictator is in the room, they shouldn't mention people she's never heard of? And people shouldn't joke about stuff like that on the internet either because if I've never heard of it, it's not worth their slightest attention.

As I am a proactive person who does something about things that I despise, I have hatched a plan. It's to CONQUER THE WORLD, obviously, but in the meantime I'll use my influence to weaken the popularity of these subjects! I'll just make jokes and references to subjects that I love! No one will be able to get them unless they memorize all of the lines to my favorite movies, musicals, songs, books etc. They will have to know about my favorite actors! No more of this Justin Bieber, Lady GaGa, football, dogs, American Idol, and Sponge Bob nonsense!

I've already established that I don't do evil laughs. So....

*Dainty, feminine laugh, dainty feminine laugh

The only one who actually does a good evil laugh is Michael Crawford. HA! You'd have to listen to the Phantom of the Opera original London cast soundtrack to know what I'm talking about! Now you know how it feels to feel left out, like you're not cultured enough or something. Because if you haven't listened to that CD, you aren't. Because I said so.

Behold, I have returned!

My most loyal and devoted followers:

My internet is back! I apologize for not being able to post daily during the Summer. What have you all been doing without my glorious and uplifting posts to read ever day? My heart goes out to all of you. I know how difficult it must have been.

However, I must also express disappointment in you. I expected to receive vast quantities of donations from you over the long dreary months. I am doing a huge job, it takes a lot of work to DOMINATE THE WORLD!!! Here I am, so amazingly perfect and willing to take upon me the world to rule. And how have you been showing your appreciation?!  That's right, you haven't been!

Let's get with the program here! Start yielding up your wallets and countries, will ya?!!