Cute Chocolate Sayings

Here are some chocolate sayings that I've seen around:

"If God wanted us to be skinny, he wouldn't have made chocolate."

"On the eighth day God created chocolate. And it was good."

"Behind every successful woman is a substantial amount of chocolate."

"I eat chocolate for you so that there's more of me to love."

Here's my version of that last one:

"I eat chocolate for myself because I take enjoyment in inflicting pain and resentfulness in others as they drive themselves to near insanity as they wonder how I'm so unbelievably thin."

The only problem with it is that it won't fit very nicely on a plaque.

Little Rosie's growing up!

I had the pleasure of seeing an old acquaintance the other day. Or rather, she had the pleasure of seeing me.

Allow me to recount the encounter in detail:

"Rosetta! Is that you? You're so big!"

"No I'm not. I wear a size 2!"

"Of course, dear. It's just that last time I saw you, you were much shorter! So, tell me what you've been up to lately, now that you're such a big, I mean, older girl."

"Well. as a matter of fact, I've just dominated a small, indigent, nation by the name of Eritrea. As an American citizen, it is likely that you've never heard of it, being an insignificant nation and seemingly unworthy of any interest. But hast it ever occurred to the American public as an excellent location where my dominion can spawn? Behold! Eritrea! And behold! Its dictator! We are Rosetta Ever Johnson, and under our rule, Eritrea prospers!" 

Seriously, guys, check out this article about it. It's published by a recognized an esteemed news cooperation:

Tuesday, March 26, 2013

Eritrea, a small dictatorship located in the Horn of Africa, has recently gained worldwide attention for its unexpected spurt of economic growth. 

Reports indicate that this began shortly following the death of prior president, Isaias Afewerki. Afewerki had been in office since 1993, being that the country had no national elections since it declared independence that year. 

"The whole situation is puzzling," reports Sir Ronald Granger, world renowned economist and anthropologist, "Indeed there are no records that give reports of any currant leader of Eritrea. As far as we know, it is run by no one. And the fact that Eritrea's ample political, economic, and human right issues are diminishing rapidly is beyond any rational explanation. Honestly, the whole thing is a mystery."

Awkward....

"When I grow up, Grandpa, I'm going to name my firstborn son Michael."
"You mean after me? I'm touched, sweetheart."
"No, not after you! After Michael Crawford!"

This is an example of an awkward situation that I've recently encountered. And none of it is my dang fault! We've been over this, nothing is ever your future dictator's dang fault.

I'm sharing this to teach a valuable lesson. People tend to assume things after receiving an inadequate amount of information. I mean, just because your name's Michael doesn't mean you're who your great-grandson's name is after! This is applicable to many similar situations, so please avoid being culpable of creating awkwardness and don't flatter yourself thinking that a complement was directed towards you.

I do feel a bit bad about planning on my son's middle name being after my other grandfather's, though.

Dealing With Competition

Or, wannabe competition.

Meet the guy who thinks he can take it all. The one who's been conspiring to DOMINATE THE WORLD!!

My own brother.

This is Jean Val Johnson's face as he tells me all about his fondest dreams of world domination.

This is his face after I tell him that he can't DOMINATE THE WORLD, 'cause I'm gonna do it. 

"Hey, I'm gonna take over the world, too!" No, Jeanie, I'm actually gonna do it. I actually have a blog about it. 

He says, "Oh yeah, well let's see who can get to it first." 

Why? Why? Why?!!!!

Such a question is asked in many a circumstance in life. And I am asking it now.

My one of my little sisters just got an infection on her face. It will probably leave a scar.

Why does this have to happen to such a beautiful girl? Why?! It should have happened to someone who was already ugly. If they were ugly anyway, a bit of defacement wouldn't matter so much. Then there wouldn't be any poetic loss.

I have the most luscious hair. It shines, it flows, it sparkles.

Some people have told me that I should cut and donate it. Isn't it so nice of them to think of giving away my hair for me? That previous sentence, of course, was about as drenched in sarcasm as my two year old sister's pancake was in syrup when she poured it on herself this morning.

Ridding the world of the alluring image of my glowing face bordered by my equally astonishing hair? Is that doing anyone a favor?

New Approuch

I have told you previously that I have made it my duty to break apart couples that are dancing inappropriately close to each other at the youth dances. I have changed my approach. I no longer do this myself.

Now, I crowd around them and start chanting "KISS! KISS! KISS! KISS!" And if they do, I shout "WHOOOO! OH YEAH!"

This way, the chaperons at the dances know that they need to start doing their job better.

Feeling christmas spirit now

I was in a bad mood, so I got onto YouTube to lift my spirits. I looked up the Christmas Shoes song to read the comments on the music video. I rue that song and reading my fellow haters comments would lift my spirits.

What I read quiet surprised me. Turns out, some sickos actually like that song! How depressing! There I was, anticipating messages of unfathomable loathing, but was faced with comments like "Love this song so much makes me bawl my eyes out every time really feeling christmas spirit now" and "I love the guts out of this." Now I have a headache from reading the poorly punctuated comments and my spirits weren't lifted at all.

To make myself feel good, I commented on the video. They were comments like. "My heart is a bottle root beer and it is the root beer of hatred! And this song is shaking that root beer insomuch that it is about to EXPLODE!!!" And "This song is like a waffle with syrup, whip cream, ice cream, strawberries, butter, fried butter, crushed pop tarts, bacon bits, and chocolate on it."

Feeling christmas spirit now!