Problem Faced by Attractive Individuals #49:

People steal your school ID card so they have something with your picture on it.

Facebook Messaging! Yay!

 Edna: hi rosetta. heard u got new job
Rosetta: Yeah, I'm a lifeguard at Green Lake Pool now.
Edna: sweet. You'd guard lives the best. I knows it.
Rosetta: Aw, thank you, my adoring little sycophant. :-) Now why don't you tell me something I don't know? 
Edna:...
Um...the weathers great here in Honolulu...
Rosetta: Oh, and speaking of guarding lives, there's something I need to tell you. You know how you hired me to water your petunias and feed your tadpoles while you're gone on vacation?
Edna: yes
Rosetta: Well, how many tadpoles do you have?
Edna: 20
Rosetta: Well, 2 now. 
Edna: What?
Rosetta: I forgot to feed them. lol
Edna: You didn't. 
Rosetta: Your petunias are fine, though. :-)
Edna: !
Rosetta: There I was, feeling so grown up and responsible (which I am, of course), taking care of the petunias, and after a couple days I realized with sudden horror that I was forgetting a VERY crucial detail...THE TADPOLES!
They need food, it turns out...
Edna: Are you joshing me, Ro? 
Rosetta: They're all floating right now. I assumed that means they're dead. I mean, when I life guard at the pool, when people just start floating I just assume they're already dead. Saves me the trouble of, you know, hopping in and rescuing them and getting my hair wet and all that. 
Edna: Those were my kids tadpoles!
Rosetta: Yeah, I wish the whole thing wouldn't have happened. But, hey, you've still got 2.  Survival of the fittest, right?

If you can't beat 'em, clobber 'em!

Well, that's the saying that I usually go by. That and "If you can't beat 'em, mock 'em maliciously because you're still right!" But in this case, I've made an exception and am going by "If you can't beat 'em, join 'em."

I got a Facebook account!

Prior to now, I had objections against Facebook, but seeing as it is a useful tool to aid my quest in DOMINATING THE WORLD, I have put aside such objections and have created a account.

Oh, sweet ambition!

The first time that I was legitimately depressed was when I was 7. I had always wanted to be a mermaid, but it just wasn't happening. So I one day, I was just depressed. All day long.

Now, I have moved on beyond my mermaid dream. I've decided to pick goals that are more obtainable.

Like becoming the world's dictator!

And seriously, once that happens, I'm making Ariel my royal adviser.

Why I am who I am

People often wonder how someone so sweet, innocent, humble and just plain nice like myself can be bent on world domination.

I credit part of it to my parents.

Meet my parents. Both spent their youth as nerds. They experienced complete social outcastness at many points in their child hood and adolescence.

In other words, they were the type that didn't play sports in High School. 'Nuff said. Complete nerds.

Unless you count marching band as a sport. Or cheer-leading. But not mom on the last one. That was my dad.

But the key thing is, there are different kinds of nerds! My dear mother was the type that was a Honors student, marching band drum major, and making plans to attend a prestigious university and use her degree to better the world through science, education, or something of the like.

My dad was a Trekkie who spent his High School days playing Dungeons and Dragons and reading Sci-Fi and fantasy. Also, he had a quirky knack for playing the board game Risk. Intelligent like my mother, but just so happened to be bent on world domination.

And then they got married and had me and my seven siblings. But most importantly, me.

And with my mom's good looks, brains, and gentle heart, and my dad's imagination, determination, a hatred for puppies and ultimately a will to rule, I am the born ruler that this world needs.

Afterthought:

I also blame part of who I am on being homeschooled.

Of course, this never happened to me...

"I call dibs on that one!"

"Oh, no, you don't! You can't have any of them because I licked every single one of them!"

The person who said that last phrase (let's keep this anonymous, ok?) wasn't paying attention to the conversation up to the point where the other people started to call dibs on some unidentified pronoun. So this person (someone you don't know. At least, not on a personal basis) decided to crack a joke and quite cutely said, as you read,  "Oh, no, you don't! You can't have any of them because I licked every single one of them!"

Well, what pronoun were the other people calling dibs on? The other teenage girls were concocting to each ask one of the guys in the nearby group to dance the next slow song with them. That's right, this incident happened at a youth dance!

I don't know why that person who blundered and made the comment of licking "every single one of them" just automatically assumed they were all talking about food. On second thought, I do know. Food's a topic of much greater importance than teenage boys!

I feel so much better about this, having cleared my name! I mean, cleared this other person's name...

Maybe I should have figured they were talking about boys when her exact wording was "I call dibs on the one in the green shirt"....

Insert the sound of a teenage girl's scream in desperate realization here

I was formula fed as an infant.

Kindly read the last phrase in my previous post.

Ouch.

My world is now a popcorn kernel under extreme heat and pressure, ready to explode in a fiery inferno.

Why didn't my mom tell me this a long time ago?!!!

No wonder I've only dominated one measly country!

Good bye everyone.

I am leaving to attend my scheduled session of mourning.

Live long and prosper.

And eat cream puffs.