You have failed me.

What, none of you voted for me for president? Yeah sure, I'm too young to run for president, put you can still vote for me! You should have at least showed your complete and utter devotion!

I decided to start my own political party. Those who belong to it shall be known as the..the...um...more details later! First of all, my party's motives and goals:

TO SUPPORT THEIR RULER ON HER QUEST TO DOMINATE THE WORLD!!!!

Fix all of the worlds problems (Again more details on how we'll actually do this later. First things first, we have to actually get me in my rightful position.)

To be excellent to each other and party on dudes!!!

Rid the world of zombies, vampires, pirates, and ninjas. Except for the good ones. And the attractive ones! What kind of heartless, cold person would I be if I eliminated one of the teen girls' favorite objects of attraction? I heard that zombies are the new vampires. I never understood how girls found those bloodsuckers appealing, but the zombie thing baffles me even more. What is this generation coming to, finding the undead hopelessly romantic?


Supposedly, the vampires in the romance novels are "good" and only drink animal blood. I am inferring that "good" zombies only eat the organs that people don't need, like their appendix or tonsils or one of their kidneys. Maybe part of their brains, too, sense they only use ten percent of it.

In my parents' day, girls knew to stay away from such creatures, for fear that their heart or blood or  essential organs would be eaten in a scene of gore!


Actually, let me reconsider the last one. Maybe vampires and zombies and pirates should be exterminated. All of them. It's for your own good, girls. If you go around dating those kind of guys, you're going to wound up eaten or looted. I hear that the three of these character types have organized  a corrupt organization of organ thieves! And what would their main target be?

Teenage girls.

Yes, first they lure their victims in with their six packs and impressive, manly flesh wounds and then they attack!!!

But if your organs get stolen, you should be grateful that someone out there who's dying gets it! Granted, they would've had to pay up some gold doubloons or the like to the thieves to get it, but still, you saved someone's life. So cheer up!