I'm taking a stand against obesity!

Obesity is quite an issue in our society. You will all be comforted to know that I am taking a stand against it! First of all, my perfect figure serves as a role model to all!

Second of all, I help obese people-UGH! Obese is such a long word. Do I really have to wright it out every time? Why don't I just call them fatties?  Anyway, I help fatties feel good about themselves. You will never hear me tell fat jokes or use derogatory, discriminatory terms to refer to them.

Speaking of derogatory, I'm sick of feeling discriminated against! Except for my followers, everyone labels dictators as "evil." Haven't they ever considered that dictating is a service to the world? And isn't it a bit too hasty to make generalizations about them when only so many of them have been corrupt? What about Caesar? If he weren't a decent guy, then why is his name used for marketing? He looks amiable enough on the pizza box and the salad dressing.

I also help fatties to accept themselves. Let's face it, nobody is as curvy and thin as I am! I help fatties accept this. By doing this, I save them a ton of stress.

Lastly, I help them to make good choices. There's a fatty in my church who is well, fat. But she's super nice and pious! She never misses an opportunity to serve others. Recently, she helped me on a project for my online school. She put so much effort into helping me succeed! So I decided to make some cookies and give them to her. After some afterthought, I decided against it. This lady really doesn't need more food. What kind of ruthless human being would tempt her with delectable treats? I made the right choice and did not bring her anything! I made a stand against obesity!

I could have done that project without her help, anyway. :-)

EDITORS NOTE: The attitudes within about overweight people do not reflect the author's. Thank you.

Starting small

I am on the verge of ruling a small, obscure country that you have probably never heard of!

You have failed me.

What, none of you voted for me for president? Yeah sure, I'm too young to run for president, put you can still vote for me! You should have at least showed your complete and utter devotion!

I decided to start my own political party. Those who belong to it shall be known as the..the...um...more details later! First of all, my party's motives and goals:

TO SUPPORT THEIR RULER ON HER QUEST TO DOMINATE THE WORLD!!!!

Fix all of the worlds problems (Again more details on how we'll actually do this later. First things first, we have to actually get me in my rightful position.)

To be excellent to each other and party on dudes!!!

Rid the world of zombies, vampires, pirates, and ninjas. Except for the good ones. And the attractive ones! What kind of heartless, cold person would I be if I eliminated one of the teen girls' favorite objects of attraction? I heard that zombies are the new vampires. I never understood how girls found those bloodsuckers appealing, but the zombie thing baffles me even more. What is this generation coming to, finding the undead hopelessly romantic?


Supposedly, the vampires in the romance novels are "good" and only drink animal blood. I am inferring that "good" zombies only eat the organs that people don't need, like their appendix or tonsils or one of their kidneys. Maybe part of their brains, too, sense they only use ten percent of it.

In my parents' day, girls knew to stay away from such creatures, for fear that their heart or blood or  essential organs would be eaten in a scene of gore!


Actually, let me reconsider the last one. Maybe vampires and zombies and pirates should be exterminated. All of them. It's for your own good, girls. If you go around dating those kind of guys, you're going to wound up eaten or looted. I hear that the three of these character types have organized  a corrupt organization of organ thieves! And what would their main target be?

Teenage girls.

Yes, first they lure their victims in with their six packs and impressive, manly flesh wounds and then they attack!!!

But if your organs get stolen, you should be grateful that someone out there who's dying gets it! Granted, they would've had to pay up some gold doubloons or the like to the thieves to get it, but still, you saved someone's life. So cheer up!

The right and the wrong

Today is Election Day. The fate of the country is put into the hands of average citizens. Each has the opportunity to vote for or against leaders and laws.

It has got me thinking about how for every issue there is a right or wrong side. There is no gray, either a position is right or wrong. Either the people holding that position are right or wrong.

It's quite devastating for one such as I to think about all of the wrong people in the world. And the few right people are pounded on by the wrong! For of course the wrong ones don't consider themselves to be wrong. They are led by the delusion that they are right.

Ordinary people are allowed to make decisions and to vote! Ordinary people can very well be wrong!  The consequences we face because of the wrong people! People with the wrong positions! The wrong views! Opinions! Way of thinking!

Opinions are only opinions if they're wrong. If they're right, then it's a fact.

The world is in desperate need of a dictator. Why should it rely on biased, easily mislead people to vote? Is the majority of the people always going to be right?

Have corrupt leaders ever seized power by elections? By the very voice of the people?

I am to dominate the world and protect its delicate balance. I have been given a rational mind that easily differentiates the right and wrong. Democracy and choice of the people won't be needed to determine what's best for the world. Not when I control every aspect. There will be no controversies.

Only right and wrong, by my standards.

Interacting with my inferiors

One would think that my fellow drama students would be intimidated by me. I'm certain that they are, everyone is of their superiors. I mean, after I DOMINATE THE WORLD, I will have the authority to ruin their lives! Once I'm in charge, foolish claims such as “Gerald Butler is a better phantom than Michael Crawford” will be considered as blasphemy and no one will have the audacity to spread such lies.

Anyway, despite having this knowledge, the students and I laugh together, act together, and taunt the demeanor of the football players together.

They even refer to me as “the future dictator!” It was my idea. I thought that it would be most beneficial to my cause, and they agreed.

Today, Collete, Suzanna, and Kirsten, my most devoted followers, were talking about boys. They had height, eye color, hair color, profession, shoe size, blood type, size of Adam's apple, eyelash length, classification of fingerprint, and other detailed requirements for their future husbands. Dreamily they discussed their current crushes and how attractive they found zombie slayers.

I listened and said nothing. My silence is uncustomary, for I always have something dazzlingly witty to say. Collete eventually turned to me and asked what sort of guys I like.

“I don't like any boys.”

“Right. You're supposed to like boys! It's your job!”

“There is not a single boy on the face of the planet worthy of my slightest attention. Except Harry Potter, but he's not single. And Frodo lives in the Middle Earth. Not to mention he's of another species.”

“What do you mean?” Suzanna asked. “Oh yeah, that's right. You're going to DOMINATE THE WORLD, so no man's worthy of you.” (To them, any boy older than 14 is a “man.”)

How understanding they all are! It's so hard to be perfect. So lonely to be superior. No one appreciates what a burden it is to be me!

At last, followers!

I have prevailed and the execution my mission to dominate the school and then the world is at hand!

At last, FOLLOWERS!

I have made the wise choice of spending my time with the drama/band/choir students. Quickly I have discovered that the jocks and popular people are dimwits not worth my time. They're all so wrapped around their little world where their biggest concerns are who is the homecoming queen or which school wins the football game or who's the school president. I can guarantee that the position of “class president” or whatever will be of little consequence when I DOMINATE THE WORLD!!!!

The drama/band/choir kids are more interested in who plays roles in the movie adaptions of Broadway musicals and who gets solos in the school concerts. The arts are a much more important area to be concerned about rather than silly little popularity contests.

Even more important, these art people are supportive in my quest to CONQUER THE WORLD!!!!

We were all talking together and decided to go around in a circle and tell everyone what our goals for careers are. One by one, they expressed their dreams of becoming dentists or interior designers or whatever. It was soon my turn, and I told them for the first time that I want to become the supreme dictator and DOMINATE THE WORLD!!!!

Laughter.

And then, “Do you really? Why?”

“Because,” I replied, “I am the only human being capable of ending all of our world's problems.”

“Yeah, if only someone would take over the world and make everyone do as they say.”

“Precisely my train of thought! If everyone were to be forced to be as perfect as I am, we would prosper!”

“Agreed! Democracy is so overrated.”

Oh, goody! Minds of clear and rational thought, perfect for my molding! “Yes! Yes! This glorious plan is yet to be fulfilled! Join me, and you can take part in creating the empire that would defy everything we knew! Support my cause and I will spare you!”

They then swore their allegiance to me!

I love those guys. If only everyone were as gullible.  

In which her esteemed majesty denounces mild profanity

At Harry Potter High School (might as well start calling it what it soon will be) the teens there frequently use this word. I won't actually type this word, for such profanity is beneath me, but for your comprehension, I'll write it in its Pig Latin form: Rapcay.

I wont be so hasty as to call those who use it beneath me. I shall exercise my mercy and assume that their simple minds just don't know the meaning of it. Yes, I am very much inclined to believe that they don't know the definition of the word because of the way they use it.

Example: In the lunch room, some girls left their table, leaving behind wrappers and napkins and such. One boy saw the messy table and exclaimed, "Who left their rapcay on the table???"

Of course, these girls did not leave such a thing on the table.

I also often hear "That scared the rapcay out of me!"

Um, gross. And TMI. You didn't really do that, did you?

Even worse:

That movie scares the rapcay out of me every time.

Uh, have you seen a doctor about this?

Hence, either there's another secret definition to this word or people are dealing a lot more with rapcay than I thought.