Shall we dance?

My church often holds dances for the teenagers. I have recently graced such an event with my presence. 

The dances have a rule that dancing couples should not dance too close to each other. Whenever I saw a boy and girl get a bit too comfortable, I made it my duty to thoroughly chew them out. I'm so good that way! 

I found it quite appalling that the music selection subsisted entirely of pop songs. If I were the DJ, the dances would be Michael Crawford/old musicals/new musicals/the Beatles/classical music MARATHONS! WHOOH!! What's the deal with pop music? What's that one song that goes "Hey! I just met you! And this is crazy! Here's my number!" ????? Why does the girl singing it want some random guy to call her "Maybe?" Is that her name?

It's so inconsiderate to play such music. Don't they know that there are homeschoolers in the midst who have never heard any of the popular songs? Sure, it's great for those people who have them all memorized, but what about me?! Why didn't the people running the dance ask for my music advice?

Overcoming severe setbacks

Everyone admires someone who had to struggle to succeed. No one is impressed by people who achieve their goals with ease. The world is full of inspiring tales of those who fought for what they wanted despite their disabilities, background, poor fashion sense, and other obstacles out of their control. 

I was thinking about it the other day and realized that in order for me to admirably DOMINATE THE WORLD, I'd have to over come extremely difficult circumstances. I thought, what things have I had to overcome?! I mean, I have it all! I'm smart, beautiful, awesome, and I've got ninja skills! I'm always right, and I've got a great family. 

Why did I have to be so darn blessed, I wondered. No wonder I haven't conquered a single, measly country yet! It would contradict the laws of the universe! Nothing's easy, people who are perfect can't just waltz in and claim the world, even if it's their divine right.

Wait a second...

It's all coming back to me.

When I was just a child, our family went to Subway. We ate our food and then I looked at our receipt and lo and behold! It said that if one went on the Subway website, filled out a survey, and entered in a code on the receipt, they could get a free cookie! I had never experienced the wonder of a Subway cookie and thus desired one. So I went online and took my time to fill out their survey (which was a act of pure charity. Everyone loves my advice! Whenever I babysit, I'm kind enough as to take the time to give the parents advice as to how to raise their children, decorate their homes, and what kind of food to buy. I'm so thoughtful that way!) and they e-mailed me a code in which I could use to redeem a cookie.

But there was a catch.

I had to purchase something from Subway to get the cookie.

And the code had an expiration date.

To this day I have not had a Subway cookie.

How dare they not mention the expiration date in the receipt?! And the cookie wasn't free if I had to purchase something to get it! They took advantage of my pure and good heart and made me take that survey for nothing.

Obviously, this ripoff has left me physiologically damaged. There, doesn't that make you feel better? Your future dictator is physiologically damaged! That's what I have to overcome as I DOMINATE THE WORLD!!! 

Sweet vengeance!

One of my many deep, unfathomable, utter, intense loathings is when people have conversations about topics that I'm not interested in. Indeed it's appalling how often I've had to put up with people talking of worthless subjects such as dogs, football, and reality television shows. To discourse about such in front of me is an insult to my intelligence!

Even worse are jokes in which to be able to find amusing one must know of various celebrities, movies, youtube videos, songs and other popular culture subjects. Who is this Justin Bieber guy, and why is everyone making jokes about him? Don't they know that if the future world dictator is in the room, they shouldn't mention people she's never heard of? And people shouldn't joke about stuff like that on the internet either because if I've never heard of it, it's not worth their slightest attention.

As I am a proactive person who does something about things that I despise, I have hatched a plan. It's to CONQUER THE WORLD, obviously, but in the meantime I'll use my influence to weaken the popularity of these subjects! I'll just make jokes and references to subjects that I love! No one will be able to get them unless they memorize all of the lines to my favorite movies, musicals, songs, books etc. They will have to know about my favorite actors! No more of this Justin Bieber, Lady GaGa, football, dogs, American Idol, and Sponge Bob nonsense!

I've already established that I don't do evil laughs. So....

*Dainty, feminine laugh, dainty feminine laugh

The only one who actually does a good evil laugh is Michael Crawford. HA! You'd have to listen to the Phantom of the Opera original London cast soundtrack to know what I'm talking about! Now you know how it feels to feel left out, like you're not cultured enough or something. Because if you haven't listened to that CD, you aren't. Because I said so.

Behold, I have returned!

My most loyal and devoted followers:

My internet is back! I apologize for not being able to post daily during the Summer. What have you all been doing without my glorious and uplifting posts to read ever day? My heart goes out to all of you. I know how difficult it must have been.

However, I must also express disappointment in you. I expected to receive vast quantities of donations from you over the long dreary months. I am doing a huge job, it takes a lot of work to DOMINATE THE WORLD!!! Here I am, so amazingly perfect and willing to take upon me the world to rule. And how have you been showing your appreciation?!  That's right, you haven't been!

Let's get with the program here! Start yielding up your wallets and countries, will ya?!!

Just another post in which it is your duty and privilege to read, as it is written by yours truly, the future dictator

I've decided to have at least six kids when I grow up. It's ambitious I know, but I've been thinking a lot lately about it. You see, I've had to put up with my peers for all my life, and a considerable amount of them are brats. It's probably because they don't have enough siblings to humble them.

(I'm not saying that I'm so perfect and humble because of my 6 younger sibs, I'd process those values even if I were an only child with millionaire parents, of course.)

I figure that it's the kind, decent thing to do to have 6+ kids. I have so many awestrucking qualities, it wouldn't be fair to pass those genes down to just a few fortunate souls. The world is obviously better with me in it, just think of how unfathomably spectacular the world would be with 6 beautiful, perfect children of mine!

Pet Peeves

Everybody has got a pet peeve. I've been trying to discover mine. It's hard to find the one, as you probably understand. There are so many things in life that annoy us! How do you choose one to be your pet peeve?

I was thinking about it, and here are some of my pet peeve options:

Dogs. I hate the way the bark, smell, and obnoxiousness habits. Worse, my blood runs with hatred whenever I see a preview for a Disney's Airbud or Airbuddies. Santa Buddies, Space Buddies, Snow Buddies, Treasure Buddies, Spooky Buddies, thinking of them all make me sick!

Pop music, hip hop, and rap. I am very cultural, artistic person. However, I am cultured in higher arts, not in low art forms that barely pass as music. Pop is practically a bunch of girls singing and they sound like they're in pain.

Any cartoon that is not Avatar: the last Airbender or Phineas and Ferb. Down with Sponge Bob!

People who think that I'm joking about DOMINATING THE WORLD!!!! They're mocking my dreams!

The list goes on.

I've come to realize that these aren't pet peeves, they're deep and passionate loathings.

A post in which a title is not deemed necessary

EDITOR'S NOTE: This post by no means reflects the author's opinion about babysitting and raising children, except for the views expressed about the cast of The Phantom of the Opera.

I babysat some kids recently, and for some reason their parents are mad at me for letting them watch The Phantom of the Opera. 


At first I understood why, because most often the result of children watching that movie is that they start getting this crazy idea that Gerald Butler is better than Michael Crawford, and what kind of loving parent wants that? I realize that some of you reading this aren't as cultured as I am, so I'll explain who those guys are. Michael Crawford played the Phantom in the original Broadway cast (I would say that he is the REAL phantom, but my mom's been worried that I'm unable to distinguish characters and the actors who play them. Don't ask me where she got that idea. It started after that whole Twilight post). And Gerald Butler played the part in the movie. Michael Crawford is a much better singer. Mom would also say that's an opinion, but it isn't an opinion, it's a fact! As future dictator of the world, I draw the line between facts and opinions.

But the parents weren't even mildly concerned about their children's taste in singers! Their reasoning for their children not watching it is that it's rated PG-13. Ha. Ratings Shratings. That movie has hardly any inappropriate parts! You know, except for the swearing. And the dark thematic elements. And the blood. And the sword fights. And the scary part with the gypsies. And the part where Raoul almost drowned. And the part where Raoul was almost strangled. And all of those guys who actually were strangled.  And the skimpy costumes.  The very skimpy costumes. Christine practically hung out in her 1800s French underwear for half the time. Granted, underwear covered up a lot in those days, but she still should have covered up more. "Hello, Phantom. Would you mind if I changed into something a bit less showy before we sing our 'Phantom of the Opera' song? Thanks."

But besides all of that stuff, it's a family friendly, fun, cute movie. Although for some reason, those adjectives aren't often used to describe it....