That didn't make any sense, but it sure was funny!

Right now I am babysitting the children of a nice couple while they watch a comedian that's in town. The kids are in bed, so I thought I'd spend now by updating my blog.

After the New Years Eve youth dance that I partied on at the beginning of the year, I carpooled home with other teenagers. My friend Elaina's dad drove us all home. I was the last one to be dropped off, and once all of those other brainless, self-centered teenagers were dispatched of, I was able to be myself. I took no hesitation in spewing off a line of witty and flat out hilarious jokes, all made up by me on the spot.

Later, Elaina's older sister's friend told me that Elaina's dad said that I said some pretty funny things that night.

Of course I'm clever and all, but I acknowledge that the fact that these jokes were told at 2:00 in the morning were made even funnier by the fact that it was, well, 2:00 in the morning. We were all wired! Material that is smile-inducing at a decent hour is converted into upright hysterical-ism after sleep deprivation.

I would indulge you and reveal my great jokes, but I can't recall a word that I said. Everything that happened after 12:00 is a blur.   

Someone should start a comedy show that is at 2:00 AM. That way, everything said will be downright hilarious. A uncultured fool with no sense of humor could get away with saying nonsense. Better yet, no one would be able to remember any of the jokes, except that it was funny. That way, the comedian could tell the same ones for every show!

Gotta go. This house is so gaudily decorated! It's about time it got a makeover. And who better to do it than me? I even brought a gallon of wall paint!

EDITORS NOTE: The incident were I carpooled home after a dance actually did happen and I want to assure you that none of the teenagers involved were actually brainless and self-centered. And the couple I babysat for have a cute, well coordinated house which requires no alteration.  I'm just staying in character here!

Welcome to the world! NOW STEP ASIDE AS I DOMINATE IT!

My mother just had a baby boy! His name is Jean Val Johnson. He is child number 8 in our family, and we are very happy.

I'm just very saddened because he has a dream that can't coexist with mine.

He wants to be the president!



It all started when mom went shopping at Wal-Mart with him. I babysat the rest of my younger siblings so she didn't have to take them with her. I know, I know, how kind of me. Jean is related to me, so of course he's unbelievably gorgeous! Naturally, when my mom goes out, other customers flock around to adore him. One of them was a lady who asked mom if he was her first child. Mom replied that he was her eighth, and her face went zucchini green. It should have been in envy, but it was in disgust. "WHAT ARE MY TWO SONS GOING TO USE FOR TOILET PAPER ONCE YOUR DAUGHTERS USE IT ALL UP???" and with that, she stormed off.

Mom says that her kids will solve the world's problems so the toilet paper thing won't matter.

Undoubtedly, she was referring to my CONQUERING THE WORLD. But Jean Val Johnson seems to think that this applies to him and wants to become president. Of course, he hasn't said this, being an infant and all, but I can see it in his eye. And Mom got him that onesie! (Shown above.)

Oh, Jeanie! You'd be a great president and all, but that can't happen after I CONQUER THE WORLD!!!! I'm doing it for your own good and everyone else's, little guy. Please understand.

Zombvampaninjirates

ZOMBVAMPANINJIRATES!

That one word basically sums up my plan to DOMINATE THE WORLD!!!!

Since none of my should-be-completely-loyal-and-willing-to-cough-up-as-much-cash-needed-to-fund-their-dictator's-quest-to-DOMINATE-THE-WORLD-followers have doing their duty (AHEM, EXAGGERATED COUGH, EXAGGERATED COUGH), I've been forced to find other ways to accumulate sufficient sums of dough. I plan on, no I will, do this by creating a franchise of zombvampaninjirates. You see, it is a clever concoction of all of the popular fan-boy characters: zombies, vampires, ninjas, and pirates. I can just see it! Zombvampaninjirates t-shirts! Movies! Posters! Teen girls arguing over which zombvampaninjirate is the hottest!

Ohhh, ha, ha, ha, ha!!! I've hit the marketing JACKPOT!

Zombies, pirates, ninjas, and vampires are all at war right now to get the most money and popularity points from their franchises. With zombvampaninjirates, I'll appease them all, thus earning their loyalty! They'll be so grateful, they'll make me their leader and CONQUER THE WORLD for me!

Oh, I forgot monkeys! How could I? Monkzombvampaninjirates. Hold on. If I add monkeys to the mix, they'll be of another species and then teen girls can't have crushes on them. Ah, well, I hear that monkey servants aren't all that helpful anyway. But they're just so cute!

Guess you can't have everything in life.

Shall we dance?

My church often holds dances for the teenagers. I have recently graced such an event with my presence. 

The dances have a rule that dancing couples should not dance too close to each other. Whenever I saw a boy and girl get a bit too comfortable, I made it my duty to thoroughly chew them out. I'm so good that way! 

I found it quite appalling that the music selection subsisted entirely of pop songs. If I were the DJ, the dances would be Michael Crawford/old musicals/new musicals/the Beatles/classical music MARATHONS! WHOOH!! What's the deal with pop music? What's that one song that goes "Hey! I just met you! And this is crazy! Here's my number!" ????? Why does the girl singing it want some random guy to call her "Maybe?" Is that her name?

It's so inconsiderate to play such music. Don't they know that there are homeschoolers in the midst who have never heard any of the popular songs? Sure, it's great for those people who have them all memorized, but what about me?! Why didn't the people running the dance ask for my music advice?

Overcoming severe setbacks

Everyone admires someone who had to struggle to succeed. No one is impressed by people who achieve their goals with ease. The world is full of inspiring tales of those who fought for what they wanted despite their disabilities, background, poor fashion sense, and other obstacles out of their control. 

I was thinking about it the other day and realized that in order for me to admirably DOMINATE THE WORLD, I'd have to over come extremely difficult circumstances. I thought, what things have I had to overcome?! I mean, I have it all! I'm smart, beautiful, awesome, and I've got ninja skills! I'm always right, and I've got a great family. 

Why did I have to be so darn blessed, I wondered. No wonder I haven't conquered a single, measly country yet! It would contradict the laws of the universe! Nothing's easy, people who are perfect can't just waltz in and claim the world, even if it's their divine right.

Wait a second...

It's all coming back to me.

When I was just a child, our family went to Subway. We ate our food and then I looked at our receipt and lo and behold! It said that if one went on the Subway website, filled out a survey, and entered in a code on the receipt, they could get a free cookie! I had never experienced the wonder of a Subway cookie and thus desired one. So I went online and took my time to fill out their survey (which was a act of pure charity. Everyone loves my advice! Whenever I babysit, I'm kind enough as to take the time to give the parents advice as to how to raise their children, decorate their homes, and what kind of food to buy. I'm so thoughtful that way!) and they e-mailed me a code in which I could use to redeem a cookie.

But there was a catch.

I had to purchase something from Subway to get the cookie.

And the code had an expiration date.

To this day I have not had a Subway cookie.

How dare they not mention the expiration date in the receipt?! And the cookie wasn't free if I had to purchase something to get it! They took advantage of my pure and good heart and made me take that survey for nothing.

Obviously, this ripoff has left me physiologically damaged. There, doesn't that make you feel better? Your future dictator is physiologically damaged! That's what I have to overcome as I DOMINATE THE WORLD!!! 

Sweet vengeance!

One of my many deep, unfathomable, utter, intense loathings is when people have conversations about topics that I'm not interested in. Indeed it's appalling how often I've had to put up with people talking of worthless subjects such as dogs, football, and reality television shows. To discourse about such in front of me is an insult to my intelligence!

Even worse are jokes in which to be able to find amusing one must know of various celebrities, movies, youtube videos, songs and other popular culture subjects. Who is this Justin Bieber guy, and why is everyone making jokes about him? Don't they know that if the future world dictator is in the room, they shouldn't mention people she's never heard of? And people shouldn't joke about stuff like that on the internet either because if I've never heard of it, it's not worth their slightest attention.

As I am a proactive person who does something about things that I despise, I have hatched a plan. It's to CONQUER THE WORLD, obviously, but in the meantime I'll use my influence to weaken the popularity of these subjects! I'll just make jokes and references to subjects that I love! No one will be able to get them unless they memorize all of the lines to my favorite movies, musicals, songs, books etc. They will have to know about my favorite actors! No more of this Justin Bieber, Lady GaGa, football, dogs, American Idol, and Sponge Bob nonsense!

I've already established that I don't do evil laughs. So....

*Dainty, feminine laugh, dainty feminine laugh

The only one who actually does a good evil laugh is Michael Crawford. HA! You'd have to listen to the Phantom of the Opera original London cast soundtrack to know what I'm talking about! Now you know how it feels to feel left out, like you're not cultured enough or something. Because if you haven't listened to that CD, you aren't. Because I said so.

Behold, I have returned!

My most loyal and devoted followers:

My internet is back! I apologize for not being able to post daily during the Summer. What have you all been doing without my glorious and uplifting posts to read ever day? My heart goes out to all of you. I know how difficult it must have been.

However, I must also express disappointment in you. I expected to receive vast quantities of donations from you over the long dreary months. I am doing a huge job, it takes a lot of work to DOMINATE THE WORLD!!! Here I am, so amazingly perfect and willing to take upon me the world to rule. And how have you been showing your appreciation?!  That's right, you haven't been!

Let's get with the program here! Start yielding up your wallets and countries, will ya?!!